what i mean when i say i miss drinking

i’ve been alcohol-free for one year, one month, three weeks, and two days.

in target yesterday there was a spill - someone had shattered a bottle of red wine. i lingered in the aisle adjacent to the mess while an employee crouched, covering the red with white cleaning powder. the smell overtook me - i pictured myself in my narrow kitchen with a glass of wine, cooking, and felt sad: i miss drinking. i miss being able to have a glass of red wine while making dinner. i miss going to the bar after a show to have a miller high life with friends. i miss champagne toasts on new years. i miss the casual ritual of alcohol.

but cooking with a glass of wine is never cooking with a glass of wine for an alcoholic. the glass of wine transforms into a bottle of wine, transforms into shots, transforms into teary nervous breakdowns, into emotional raging at loved ones. i more often than not drank until i was just a body, no trace of consciousness, when my intention was a casual drink on what was meant to be an inconsequential evening.

so the sad, sinking feeling when i smell alcohol isn’t quite “missing” - i know my life is better without alcohol. i don’t miss it. but there is a thirst, a yearning - that things could be different, that i could be different. a desperate wishing that i was the type of person who could have one (just one) glass of wine while cooking.

divine timing at ihop

the last night of filming the christmas special was an exhausting day - i had been on a documentary set from 8a-8p, rushed home to find everyone already here, ready for filming. i was starving :-(

after wrapping up the final scenes (aka standing around a random street sending messages to troy’s hinge matches while the main characters actually did work), jaan and i got home and i was like omggg you know what i really want that i haven’t had in years (due to 4 yrs in vegan jail) … ihop!!!

we called everyone up and headed to the international house

on the way there, we saw a car pulled over on the side of the road by a cop… it was renton :-(

to make matters worse, (even tho the ihop said it was 24 hours…) it was CLOSED FOR CLEANING. i felt extraordinarily guilty bc renton’s ticket would have been for NOTHING.

our other option was dennys, which i hadn’t had before (now amended), but we had to wait for renton to get done with the cop before we could make our next move… i was pretty set on ihop but there wasnt another one for milessss

however as soon as renton pulled into the parking lot like 20 mins later, the ihop reopened!

everything in its own time

ive been reading richard siken

his poetry has inspired me to write some of my own again

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i also wrote a 12 page short the other day that i think is my favorite thing that i’ve written for the screen. i hope i can produce it someday in the near future.

i cut out a vision board. i will show that to you later. blade runner 2049 is on sale on youtube today for $8.99 (yes i bought it)

lastly, i’ve been playing a disgusting amount of ultimate chicken horse. it’s addictive fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

today i am grateful for h-mart, fireplaces, and keurig machines.


december 3 2020

i started worrying that i was oversharing on twitter so i decided to start a blog to overshare at instead.

this evening i edited an old photo that was on my phone.

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today i am grateful for everything bagels, remembering a dear friend’s birthday, and comfy clothes.